I'm Burning And Nothing Could Put This Fire Out

Over the past few years, I have been able to maintain control over my anger, over my feelings. I pent it up hoping that it would never be dispersed. I can't do it anymore. I had a massive release of anger. It was over various things. I couldn't control myself. I wanted to hurt someone. I put a hole through my wall. I was thouroughly disgusted with myself. I wanted to do something that my philosophy goes aginst. Maybe it's just the testostrone flowing. I don't know. I just hope it never happens again. I can't keep my feelings pent up. I need to release it in small burst. I just need to stay calm.

Questioning The Highest Authority

Recently. Very recently, I have learned something about myself. I no longer believe in god or any other higher being. However, with that being said, I am open to the concept of a higher being than that of ourselves. Why this? Ignorance. I have read the bible(several times) and I realised that all it is at least to me is just stories. I am not telling you god is not real cause nobody knows that including myself but I ask you to question your beliefs and whether you believe in them or if you are just a sheep following the most charisimatic shepard known only as religion. People are ignorant and don't truly know what they follow, and I intended to differentiate from that. I'm sure most of you have had christianity or some other religion force fed down your throat your whole life and we believed it like history. I don't need a reason really to tell you why I made this choice. I will however say that the idea of religion has killed more people than any dictator or any tyrant ever has and if that being is the absolute right, then what is wrong?

Question yourself and question the authority.

Look, The East Is Burning

Latley, so much has happened. It's overwhelming. I just want to get away from it. From it all. I don't have a bad life, actually it's quite the oppisite. A while ago, I said I craved the stress, and drama, and I got it. It's frusturating to see things happen but I can't do anything about it. You can just stand and watch as life takes it's course. It's no longer a cycle but one big day it seems. No sleep, no real time frame, just continuous, mechanical movement leading to more or less the same thing.

ugh, I can't wait to get my car, and my camera. I'm just gonna drive off and take pictures. I don't need a destination, or a goal. Just an escape from this monotnous cluster fuck we call life. I don't know what guides me anymore, or what my motive is. I just know that it's not that same as yours.

Oh. Look. The east is burning. Red.

Blind Evolution

I was looking over old messages on a site I visit frequently and it was interesting to see how much my personality has truly changed. It's a bit scary really to think how much more I will change. Will it be for the better or worse? I don't know but I can only hope for the best. Really it is like evolution. Changing to fit the needs your surroundings ask for. Over the last 3 or so years, I have had different friends due to the fact, I didn't truly know who or for that matter what I am. At this moment I still may not truly know who or what I am which is what scares me a bit. I have the best friends a guy could have, like my best friend Kayla who I would do anything for if it meant she was happy, jordy, aaron, danny, jourdan, and nicole plus others I don't need to mention but regardless, I would hate to lose any of them. I know that I will change but that doesn't mean my set of friends do and I will try to stick with them as long as I can. I know most of us will need to part one day but even if I can be with my best friend into adult hood then thats more than enough to make me happy.

heh, I am actually pretty happy.

Silent Answer

These last 3 or 4 days have been an absolute hell for me. My dog dies who has been with since I was born. We all saw it coming, we just didn't want to admit it, we didn't want to see it happen but it did. Was it for the better that he died? I believe so, due to the fact he was suffering his last 3 days. Regardless though, I will miss him. He meant so much to me, its like a part of me died along with him. These events over the series of these last few days have had me questioning my faith in god. I don't know what I believe in anymore. I don't know if I want to believe in anything.

Insomnia

Havn't really been able to sleep for a decent while. Bout a month. I find myself thinking bout the same things, same people, same problems. I supposed I'm used to it. I guess I'm just a night kind of person. There is no problems in my life. In fact it's quite the oppisite. I am the happiest I have ever been. Thats the problem though. I am so used to being deppresed, so used to being stressed out constantly, it's thrown me for a loop. It's weird. I almost crave disorder. I almost crave the stress. Who knows. I might just settle into this peacefulness but eventually I will have to go right back to the stress, the monotnous disorder of everyday life.

You have to kill the lights if you want to take away the shadow

I saw something two days ago that really bothers me. My team and I were practicing soccer at the junior high field and at the basketball court, a red ford truck drove up and a man got out and started spewing curse words at a group of kids. Soon things escalated and the man hit a girl and pushed her down. It disgusted me. I wanted to do something in spite of my pacifist philosophy. The coaches went over and started to calm things down and somebody called the police. It's interesting how certain people have a sense of justice, a sense of whats right and wrong and then there are others who lack this. I lost my faith in humanity long ago but seeing people take action on this piece of shit of a man almost made me gain it back. I was wrong when I said there was no such thing as good, or bad. Dead wrong. It's apparent to me now that there truly is. Yes we are very flawed as a society but even we have a sense of justice.

Kayla, she is the one person on this earth I truly have faith in, trust, can talk to and truly be myself around. I never believed in fate but even I think we were meant to be there for each other. When I'm down, she picks me up. When shes down, I'll pick her up. We're eachother's crutch. We'll always be there for eachother. Always there to pick eachother up. I'm glad I have her.